A Long, Strange Random Story

This is the product of a facebook random story began by a friend. The girlfriend and myself added to the story as well as two others. Hope you enjoy!

Once upon a time there was a dwarf, Grimmsmol who lived a long live, filled with adventure and excitement and all things that a Jedi does not crave, but he knew that his time of adventuring had finally come to an end and it was time to settle down with his new, beautiful bride, Helen Keller. Helen was a fun-loving girl and the most beautiful in the land; she had piercing blue eyes that could see into the depths of one's soul and ears that enjoyed the loveliest melodies in the land, which was why she was so drawn to marry the wee little Grimmsmol. Then a terrible, unforeseen accident happens causing Helen to lose not only her sight, but also her hearing, reeking havoc on their relationship because she was always running over poor little Grimmsmol.

Trying to figure out what he should do, he began a journey to the land of Oz, where the Wizard who, as the story is told, would give his girl the senses she had lost. However, he didn't know how to get to Oz, so he asked the help of the local travel agent, Mr. Frances. When he arrived at the agency, Mr. Frances smiled at him and said, "Oh no, the land of Oz, you say? Due to the current state of the economy, the Wizard has had to downsize and now little foreign children are performing all of his duties. You must journey to Nineveh, the ancient city where Jonah saved thousands of souls, but the only way to journey there is to begin your quest on October 25, 1985, at 1:15 am at the Twin Pines Mall in Hill Valley, California. Not one minute earlier. Not one minute later. A man named Doc Brown will be killed there by Libyan terrorists. If your heart is true, you must prove yourself here and kill both the terrorists and young Marty McFly. Then you will be given the tool which will take you to Nineveh, a DoLorean DMC-12 outfitted with time-travel capabilities. Go forth and may luck follow you on your journey."

Grimmsmol then left the office of Mr. Frances and strongly debated his following fate. On one hand, he would risk everything for his beloved. And on the other hand, to kill people? Could he seriously commit to such an act? Nevertheless onward he went. The date October 25, 1985, the time 1:15 exactly. It was a stormy evening, as his little body pushed through the blankets of rain and wind falling upon his very, short stature. Lightning crashing from time to time finally allowing the rain to let up. He then made his way towards the few. His weapon of choice, a semi automatic rifle. Placing his fingers on the trigger and holding the gun in place, he slowly breathed in a deep, gasp and farted really loudly, hoping his noise didn't alert the terrorists to the oncoming onslaught that was soon to befall them. His gas was legendary to everyone in the land and because of the tuna-salad sandwich he had scoffed down very quick before he started his journey his gas was extra potent. As he slowly walked up to the gathering of terrorists at the Twin Pines mall, he heard a noise behind him, startling him. His finger on the trigger of his rifle, he turned to see a guard from the group of terrorists who had fallen dead from the stench of his gas. Suddenly, Grimmsmol realized he didn't have to really murder anyone at all! All he really had to do was fart loudly and also make sure that it was gaseous and full of stench. He grunted and pushed with all his dwarfy-might and then, as the other guards approached him, he sharted. He moaned as the realization of what he had just done occurred to him. He had committed murder, just not in a detectable manner. He felt certain that this would bite him in his dwarfy hind-end one day. All of the sudden, he remembered that Helen had been blindly following him the entire time, and to his horror, he realized that his gaseous utterance had slain his beloved. He fell to his knees and the oven timer rang!

Apparently Grimmsmol was really Johnnie Boy from Alabama who was taking a nap. His mother yelled for him from downstairs saying, "Son! You get down here, you're brownies you baked for Christie are burning and I ain't about to start a new batch for you". So he wiped the slobber falling from his chin, shoved off his desk and made his way downstairs, dressed in his tuxedo, to the smell of nearly burnt, baked goods. He was on his way to the Jefferson High School prom and wanted to impress the girl who very reluctantly agreed to go with him by baking her some delicious treats. He placed the brownies in his best tubberware and took off in his pick up truck to Fifth Avenue where he began having a grand mal seizure which caused him to black out and transported him back to the world of Catatonia and Grimmsmol, who sat in a pool of poo which surrounded his beloved Helen. He held her in his arms, weeping over her dead body. Doc Brown and Marty, who somehow survived Grimmsmol's heinous ass-blast takedown, came over to the sound of his crying. They both began gagging at the horror which Grimmsmol had created. Grimmsmol looked up at them with reddened eyes and said, "JULIE!!!" Marty and Doc Brown looked puzzled at one another, but Grimmsmol's face was flush with rage. Julie, in Cataonian language was the equivalent of "dern." He rose and grabbed his rifle and fired off two rounds into the air without a thought. By this point, he was so enraged at not only the poo surrounding him but harming his beloved Helen. How could he commit such a crime? How could he ever replace his beloved and then he got such a brilliant, beyond brilliant idea!

"The DoLorean!" he thought aloud.

Racing to the vehicle and sliding into the driver's side, he entered the date October 10, 1985. The day before Helen had lost her sight and hearing. Geared up to 88mph and off he went!! Landing in a lagoon in a tropical island paradise. Grimmsmol clamored out of the car and out on to dry land when he spotted a thin man in a blue shirt and a fat man in a red shirt and an old man coming out of the jungle. He walked with a limp alongside a hairless dog and said something in a foreign language poor ol' Grim didn't have a clue what this old man was going on about but it didn't sound good! The fat man was half white and half black (his top half was black and his legs were ghostly white) and the thin man looked like he hadn't eaten in years. Grim walked over to the two and as he neared the two he vomited on their new Nikes, causing them to vomit as well, since they had weak stomaches. The old man mumbled something to the dog, who then ran off, Grimmsmol noticed. He returned a few minutes later to the sound of raucous vomiting with Bob Saget in his mouth. "Bob Saget!" Grim shouted loudly over the sound of the upchucking.

"That's right, motherupchucker! It's Bob Sag-" he spoke before beginning to vomit himself. Not that he vomited with the others, but that he truly vomited himself, causing a black hole and a rift in the space-time continuum. It sucked him in and dropped him in a cabin, with a dirty man, holding a shotgun in his right hand and a chainsaw where his left used to be. The strange man looked at Grimmsmol and rested the shotgun over his shoulder before saying "Where the f***, did you come from, pilgrim??" in his country twang making the situation a little more uncomfortable. Bob Saget had now become an inter-dimensional traveler and he looked at the new world around him with a sense of expectancy. Grim, who unknown to Bob Saget, fell into the portal as well and was now hanging from the ceiling rafters. He looked down from the ceiling at the two men staring at each other dumbfounded. The dirty man slowly got out of his rocking chair and Grimmsmol shot him on instinct alone, then killed Bob Saget for witnessing the crime, but also because he hated Full House and loved John Stamos. After he killed Bob Saget, a large gash appeared in Saget's chest and it glowed with white light and then Jesus climbed out of Bob Saget's chest like a ghoul from a sepulcher. It was now THE END OF DAYS!!Because at that moment, it turned to night. Jesus was all like, "BROTHA! Whys ya'll trippin?" Jesus said in his jamaican accent, for Jesus was actually a BLACK JESUS and the whole world wasn't expecting that!

"I be from Jamaica man!" He said with a still smokin' blunt in his hand. "What's goin on here?" He smiled taking a deep drag of his ganja and said, "Nah, man, it's just me, Bob Marley!" and everyone was like :O, but then he was like, "I actually am Jesus, but nobody cared about my Second Coming, so the third time's a charm right?" At that very moment, Grim's head grew three sizes larger and his eyes turned into headlights and he turned into Bumblebee, the Transformer, but Jesus Marley was not fazed and turned him into Bumblebee tuna. Grimmsmol shook and persisted inside the can, but after three shakes a red light blinked off on the can and Grimmsmol was caught. Next...Jesus ended the story with a climax and resolution.